How I Learned About Feminism

A unsettling fact of the 21st Century is that women are present in the workplace.

Another unfortunate addition to the "megacube" Zack Paddington and I share is the plucky wench, Peppercorn Diego. When I first glimpsed her, I thought she was a fair-faced teenaged boy. For an instant, I was slightly taken by him until I realized the wretched truth about who s/he really was!

Peppercorn Diego sits behind me. She is as gangly and flat chested as any boy. She keeps her hair short, and she wears a button down shirt and tie to the office every day.

At least Peppercorn has the decency to NOT sport a mustache like this lady!

At the Globe Theater, it is common practice for men to play the roles of women because women cannot fully understand or relate their own experiences to an audience in any compelling way. Luckily, they have men to interpret and explain for them just how to feel and to share these feelings on their behalf. Here in the workplace of the 21st Century, it can get confusing. The men look like women; the women look like men. How was I supposed to know any better?

In fact, I wrote this famous sonnet (No. 20) for Peppercorn Diego before I fully understood the situation:

A woman's face with nature's own hand painted,
Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion:
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue, all 'hues' in his controlling,
Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

Who knew I would waste my best words in the light pursuit of a woman? Thank goodness I was able to go back in time and add this to my "Sonnet Sequence." Now it is of some use! Over the years, many a college professor has explicated this poem to his pupils, who, titillated by its implications, have asked: Could this be about a man? Well, sort of.

The grief I feel having learned the truth about Peppercorn's sex is something like what Apollo must have felt when Hycinthos died in his arms.

But, Shakespeare, you say, Dear Readers, is cross-dressing not the basis for drama and comedy in at least half or more of your intelligent, highly-creative and well-crafted plays? How could you make such a "Much Ado About Nothing?"

If you must ask, I must answer. You are a poor, sweet, overly kind audience. Women, also known as the fairer (weaker and less artful) sex, are much appreciated by yours truly, a member of the stronger (likely better) sex: men. I like women, and I have spent much time in their company. They make wonderful food, and they really know how to swaddle babies. They have a purpose.
 

When I realized Peppercorn Diego was a woman, I asked right off if she was pretending to be a man to get close to one?  Zack Paddington raised his eyebrow in surprise, and Peppercorn Diego stomped her diminutive foot --I assume it is diminutive. She was wearing a pair of men's Oxfords, so one cannot be sure. She then asked me if I was "right in the head?" 

Who can tell the true size of one's feet in a shoe such as this?

Of course, in my experience -- and by my experience, I mean in my plays that I wrote -- women often dress as men for this purpose. Was she an adherent of Sappho? I wondered, perhaps out loud, for Peppercorn Diego let out a cute little cry.
 

Even Sappho had the decency to wear a proper lady's dress.

"You are a pig! Have you never heard of feminism?" She exclaimed. Her cheeks were all rosy red, and I couldn't really hear what she was saying because her anger was making her so adorable.

I shook my head, because I actually had not ever heard of feminism. 

Later that evening, I used Wikipedia to learn all about it. Zack Paddington appeared so genuinely upset at my ignorance, and I don't want to fall out of his good graces. It's so important for me to be sensitive to his feelings. If he cares about even the most insignificant things in history, then so do I! You go girl!