Shakespeare's Publicist

Men, tights and the 21st Century

2011-06-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

This past weekend, yours truly had planned to imbibe with a certain SWM who claimed to “look good in tights.” We first became aware of one another on a lovely website known as Craigslist. I found a nice bookshelf there, as well as some festive hats for my feline companion, Dr. Faustus.

Mr. Tights and I had a short electronic epistolary exchange, including pics, and agreed to meet. At the risk of exposing his identity, I would say that he looked much like a certain Charles V, pictured below:

Now, I’m quite certain that Mr. Tights had some sort of awful accident because when I arrived at our rendezvous spot, he was no where to be found. Instead, I encountered a gaggle of giggling and thoroughly uninteresting sallow skinned teenage girls. I guess it's true what they say in every century: Men are jerks. And, teens love bad fiction and action movies.

If only more men were like my cubical companion, Zack Paddington the apple cheeked youth, though years below me in age is my mentor, my colleague, my guide to the 21st century and the modern world of publishing. So thoroughly practical and consistent, I know he would never stand me up for a chance meeting, if he were ever into such a chance. Unfortunately, he seems a eunuch or rather quite thoroughly engaged to his work.

Sigh, Dear Reader, it is of no use for me to think of it. I have vowed to withhold my rakish tendencies in his presence so that I may learn as much as possible while I dwell in this time.

I must be off, as Faustus and I have a date with Netflix. If I cannot have a real to life man in tights at least I can have Sir Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Best regards = XOXOXO

Sir William Shakespeare

Shakespeare's Kitten

2011-03-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

Shakespeare’s Kitten

This past week in the future present has been a bit trying, Dear Reader. It is difficult to readjust to the “daily grind” as my “cube-mate” and mentor, Zack Paddington, so charmingly phrases our shared condition (when one encounters neologisms as clever as that, one begins to wonder how his body of work survived for so long). I question, at times, why and how I was seduced into this life of time travel. I remind myself, in the past there is no Craiglist, no Nintendo Wii, and no broadcast television so self-indulgent that it borders on being classified as pornography. There is no Britney Spears (not even a half relation, I assure you), no microwave oven, and no Nick Hornby.

There are, however, similarities. Past to present to future and back, the human race has held onto a number of commonalities: a fascination with beauty, art, violence, politics, sex, death, philosophy, and above all, cat ownership.

To that end, SHAKESPEARE NOW HAS TEH KITTEN IN TIME MACHINE, as those scalliwags at I Can Has Cheezburger might put it.

At Zack Padington's urging-- he instructed me to acquire a companion animal in order to become more familiar with pet ownership and so forth -- I have allowed a cat to share my quarters. I have named him Dr. Faustus, and will, of course, tell you more of our adventures in a future post.

March 11, 1863

2010-03-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

March 11, 1863

To My Esteemed Visitor,

I cannot refrain from using the spare moments of free time I have been granted to pen a few lines to you. I am certain that you are quite invested in my personal well-being, and I thank you, in advance for acknowledging my existence by reading this missive in its entirety.

To be quite honest, I wasn’t certain if I would actually be able to access the “world wide web” from the confines of the time machine I created with my bare hands, a refrigerator box and but a shaky knowledge of the space time continuum to guide me. Not only have I managed to go back and forward in time, I was surprised to learn that satellites existed before they were invented. Perhaps the future put them there? You tell me, friend, because I would like to know!

History is AMAZING! Have you heard about the dinosaurs? If you haven’t yet, you should look them up on Wikipedia. I’ve been lucky enough to see so many events in person! Fellow blogger, Perez Hilton might even call me a “spywitness.” He’s such a clever man and a snappy dresser, too. Being in history is just like watching fascinating programs about history on The History Channel, except you have an increased chance of coming down with a hideous bout of the plague when you are actually there.

I’ve been having so much fun here in the past that I have neglected to update my blog for several months hence. I had considered, for a moment, the possibility of going back in time from the future to do so, but I believe having some reason to feel guilty would be of great assist in the writing of my next play. It’s called Macbeth. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Moments like these bring such dissonance to my soul. I’ve withheld myself from you, dear reader, for so long. Believe me when I tell you, it has caused me much greater pain than you could ever understand. Maybe it approaches the pain you feel having been cast out of the sunlight, and by sunlight, I am referring to myself: Mr. William Shakespeare.

Upon my return to 2008, I will once again take up my post as a minor publicist for that small organic pet food and children’s book publishing company in which I find myself employed. For me, months have passed. To the co-workers who toil in the cubicles that surround me, it has been only a long weekend. I told them I was going to Reno to throw my lot at the tables. I want a new Toyota Prius and don’t much feel like saving. My comrades are wholly unaware of the many actual adventures I have been on. They know only that I will return, with a hangover and empty pockets. But, you, dear dear dear reader, now know the truth.

Well, that’s about it for now. It looks like I have to go assist in a battlefield amputation. I will update more regularly in the future.

With Warm Regards,

Buy Low! Sell High!

2009-12-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

Along with my genius for the written word, I am also well known for my business acumen. I believe that if you, Dear Readers, do not yet own or have immediate access to a Shetland Pony, this would be the most opportune time to make the necessary connections and bring yourself into the possession of one of these stunning creatures.

Truly, if I were not so dedicated to the cause of promoting my authors, forwarding the name of my publishing house (Purity Petz (and Children's) Press), and helping man and woman kind, I would retire immediately to a small ranch in the great state of Texas, buy a gun, and employ myself solely with the art of breeding Shetland Ponies.

Take it from me; I have been to the future, and I know. This revival of the art of "the good childhood photograph" will, with certainty, equal the fabled Dotcom boom (and bust) era of decades past, albeit on a smaller scale. The economic impact of Shetland/Child photography startups will last from several days to a month and will be felt by a number of people.

You, Dear Readers, take my advice and buy a pony today!

Past and Future Mail

2009-12-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

I have a time machine! I have a time machine! I bet you wish you had one, too!!!

The Future of Literature; Literature into the Future?

2007-12-12T19:31:00.000-08:00

Throughout the ages, any number of people have written to and about me. And, now that I'm firmly settled into the 21st century (for the time being), it's high time I got back to them.

Dear Mr. Shakespeare,

Don't mind my asking, but how did you come by the year 2007? This all seems a bit "Santa Claus-ish" at best.

Ben, Madison, WI

Dear Ben,

I'm glad you asked. Many people doubt my future/past existence. To this very day there are naysayers and rapscallions who would claim I am that dreadful wreck of a human being, Sir Francis Bacon. And now you, Ben? I suffer from a crippling disappointment just knowing that you could dare hold doubt in my existence.

From the eloquence of your letter, I've drawn the conclusion that you are both a smart and beautiful boy. You must have the intellect to understand there are many cosmic wonders that defy explanation, but that does not mean they do not occur! Take, for instance, the "Paul Lynde Halloween Special of 1976" . It may seem a bit "Santa Claus-ish," as you put it. The line-up may appear unbelievable. Yet, it did, in fact, happen! Not only was all of America able to attend this spectacle via the magic of television, I was actually there in the live studio audience, thanks to my time machine!

Let me tell you, young Ben, Florence Hendersen can sing and miracles can happen!

In regards to my current adventure: it began a couple of months ago. I had just finished my play Romeo and Juliet -- perhaps you've heard of it? -- and I was feeling a bit down. I went Internet shopping to cheer myself up. I was looking for a new pair of shoes on Zappos.com -- Gosh. I just love Zappos -- and browsing the men-seeking-men circa 2004 section of Craigslist when it struck me. I would build a time machine (or rather, Sir Francis Bacon would) and move to the year 2007.

Of course, in the future, which is now, I would need some form of employment. So, again, I turned to Craigslist and procured a position with a small organic Pet Health and Lifestyle publishing company in the East Bay. It affords me a small stipend by which I pay for a room in a lovely inn (in this century I believe it's called a hotel). I spend my spare time reading, writing criticism, learning more about my favorite Hollywood stars, getting drunk and watching Project Runway.

What is it that you do, Ben?

Love,

William Shakespeare